All my life I was taught that justice is about punishment — it's the idea that's promoted everywhere, isn't it?

Then, a couple of years ago, I learned different. I learned that justice is not punishment. Justice is balance.

And, sure, sometimes balance requires punishment. But punishment that is not designed to serve — you might say, create — balance is simply revenge. 

So do I want revenge?

Yes. Where some are concerned — yes. I'll be honest, I really really do. I can dress it up in fancy language, call it "lessons" or "accountability." But the truth is that I just want to see them hurt. I'm hurting. So I want them punished.

But here's the thing: revenge is futile. It doesn't satisfy because all it is is pain trying to pass itself off as purpose.

Revenge doesn't make the pain go away. It doesn't stop the grieving. Why? Because it has nothing to do with what I actually need. What I need is understanding, what I need is acceptance. What I need is care. And it hurts that I'm not receiving that so, the question is, what am I going to do about it?

The fact is that right now I'm not big enough to carry what I've been given. And I'm being presented with a choice: find a way to be big enough, or rot from the inside out.

I have seen what happens to those consumed by the latter. I do not want that to be me.

So I cannot find balance in the past. I likely won't find it in the future. And my present bears the scars of what has gone before. But it also holds the promise of beauty.

I can't meet the needs I had yesterday. But I can make today enough. The air I breathe is enough. The leaves of a tree blowing in the wind is enough. A kiss from my husband is enough. My spiritual practice is enough.

I am enough. My life is enough. The Divine is enough.

Funny how when I feel this way, the hatred just melts away. Which shows it was never about "them." It was about whether I can expand — and that is something I always have power over.

Most days right now I'm playing small. But I keep seeing reminders of what it means to expand — in Etty Hillesum's diaries, in the Bhagavad Gita, in my husband. I don't know if I can ever succeed in being big enough to carry this. But I know there is a Higher Power that Is. And perhaps, if I keep giving it all over, one day I'll find the room inside to forgive.

"Forgiveness is the lack of a punishing mentality."

— Srila Bhaktivedanta Narayana Maharaja

With hope, joy and love —

Hare Krishna and Namaste, I pray you have a blessed day x